Gift culture

The first time I received a gift from Steve’s friend here in the US, I just placed the gift aside, still wrapped. His friend saw I still hadn’t opened the gift after a while, and finally said to me: “Why don’t you open up and see?” So, I unwrapped the gift as she requested. Then, she seemed happy when she saw I liked the gift. 

In Malaysia, most people would wait until the gift giver was away, and then open the gift to see what it is. I am not sure if it is considered ‘good manners’ or just the cultural norm.  Are both parties afraid of being disappointed if the gift is not as ‘expected’, so that it’s better to avoid it on the spot?       

當我來了美國這兒，第一次收到Steve朋友的禮物時，我把禮物放置在旁。送禮者看我遲遲没折開禮物紙包裝，最後忍不住對我說: “為何不打開禮物看看？” 我才傻傻的按她的‘要求’ 折開禮物紙包裝。然後，送禮者看到我喜歡，送禮者也很歡喜。

在馬來西亞的文化是，通常都在送禮者離開後，才打開禮物看是什麼東西。不知這是不是表示禮貌，雙方都擔心禮物没達到‘期侍’及免於現出不雅之表情，所以還是别當場‘表現’ ？

Successful life

Continuing the previous blog posted – Power of words : 

‘Is it that people who have only a high school education can’t have success in life?’ This was one of his questions. 

I remember I shared with him and the group: “Frankly to tell you all, I got out of school and started working after I finished my SPM exam. I think my life is good. Besides working, I do volunteer work. I continue learning and feel wonderful. I have a lot of friends with bachelor’s degrees, and some have master’s degree; however, I have self-confidence and never think that I am not good enough or lower than others.” 

In fact, I was very poor in Malay language subject; I got 8 points, meaning ‘Pass’ only (1 is highest; 9 is failing) on my SPM (senior year in high school) certificate. The system is: Regardless of scores in other subjects, scores in Malay language must be between 1 and 6 to get an A grade certificate, which is required for admission to Malaysian public universities.   

My family was poor and couldn’t support me to study in a private college. Also, I didn’t like studying boring books, so the only way for me was going to ‘work university’. 

I rarely share about this; only when someone asks questions. I know a successful life is in one’s attitude, not based on how high he/she graduated.

接下篇載文Power of words: 

‘考完SPM出社會的人就不能成功？’ 他的其中一個問題。

我記得我給他及組員們的分享大略是: “老實告訴你們，我只是考完SPM就出社會工作。我覺得我的生活很好，除了工作還當義工，一直學習，人生很充實。我的義工朋友很多是大學生、有些是碩士，但我對自己很有自信心，從不覺得自己比人差。”  

其實我的馬來文科最差，SPM成績是得到8，即是Pass而已（1是最高分; 9是不及格）。教育制度 - 不管其它科目，不過馬來文科必須介於1至6，才有甲等文憑，及有可能上政府大學預備班。

我家庭不富，不能讓我上私人學院，我也不是很喜歡啃書，就這樣只好上社會大學了。

除非有人問起，我是不会刻意分享這方面，因為我認為一個成功的人生並不是在於他的文憑學歷，而是態度品格。

Power of words

In Facebook, I ran across a friend who graduated and is an engineer now. When I first met him, he was a form 5 student (senior year in high school.) I helped a counselor conduct seminars in a high school for students preparing for their high school final exam. My friend was one of the students and a member in one of the groups I facilitated. 

After the seminar, he is one of a few students who sometimes contacted me, but just for a while. We hadn’t messaged each other for years, so I wrote to him, asking about his life there. 

He replied, “I am fine. Ya, I still remember what you mentioned in the SPM exam seminar. After that, I always enjoy life in school and working. Even today, your words still help me make decisions in my life. At here, I have to say THANK YOU VERY MUCH again. ^^” 

I asked, “Really? I am glad you are telling me, but I do not remember what I said.  Can you let me know what I said and why I mentioned these words, or was it that you questioned something?”

He replied, “You said, ‘the result from the exam does not determine your whole life, as long as you try your best, have a clear conscience and don’t worry about whether you have a good or bad result, because that is your result.’ If I am not mistaken, my questions were, ‘does that mean if I don’t have a good result then I wouldn’t have a good future? Is it that people who have only a high school education can’t have success in life?’ After this seminar, I found that I could face every exam easier.  I study hard to get 'my result', and I also accept all the bad results that I get from the subjects that I not expert in, like language and history. After I finished the exam, I won’t worry about the result, because it is 'my result'. All of this I got from you, I love you too, Sister Sin E.” 

Oh yeah, thanks to him for reminding me. I really did not expect that my words to help and encourage him would still benefit, even now. I feel pleased and satisfied. 

If you were motivated by someone’s words, just tell him/her. He/she would appreciate, it should be a great reverberation.

在面子書上看到一位朋友已大學畢業，而且已是一名工程師。我初認識他，是我協助一位從事輔導員的朋友到中學辦學生營，他是其中一名中五學生，是我的組之學員。

過後有一些時日，他是其中幾几位學員主動與我聯系的一位。不過，我們很多年已沒寫訊息了，所以我就問候他及問他生活如何。

他回覆: “我很好。對了，我還記得當時SPM考前充電營，你提到的話。之後，我常愉悦面對我半工半讀的生活。至到現在，你的話還是讓我在人生做決擇時很有幫助。在此，我要再說非常感谢你。^^”  

我再寫給他: “是嗎？我很高興你告訴我，但我不記得我說了什麼及為何而說，或是否你問了些問題？元鈞，謝謝你，我愛你。”  

他再回覆: “你說，‘考試的成績不代表是生活的全部，盡了全力去考就好。只要盡了自己的全力，問心無愧，就不用擔心你考到的成績是好是壞，因為那是屬於你的成績。’ 如没錯，我的問題是，‘是不是考不好大考就没有美好未來？考完SPM出社會的人就不能成功？’ 充電營後，我發覺我較能面對考試，我努力讀書，得到‘我的成績’ ，我也能接受所有不擅長的科目如語文及歷史的不好成績。考完後，我並不擔心成績怎樣，因為這是‘我的成績’。這都是我從你那得到。我也愛你，心憶姐。” 

啊，是。謝謝他讓我記回。我真没期待，我的話能幫助及鼓勵他，而且受用至今。我覺得很欣慰。

若你有某人的話激發到你，記得要告訴他／她，這又可讓他／她感受迴響。

Men's heaven vs Men's hell

This is a quote told by an American friend: 

Men’s heaven is to have an American salary, a British house, a Chinese cook and a Japanese wife. 

Men’s hell is to have a Chinese salary, a Japanese house, a British cook and an American wife. 

My question: Why not an American wife?

 
這是一位美國男性朋友講的:  
男人的天堂是擁有-美國薪金、英國房屋、中國廚師、日本太太。
男人的地獄是擁有-中國薪金、日本房屋、英國廚師、美國太太。

我問: 為什麼不要美國太太？

Abstract expression of love

When I was a little kid, I waited for my brother to get back home from school everyday. I expected him to come back with a snack, taken out from his pocket. Sometimes, there was dried fruit, sometimes it was a cracker, sometimes it was candy…  All those made me happy inside my little heart; I felt so nice from my brother. 

The kid days were short, and I didn’t realize that my sensibility was going into hiding. 

After I became an adult, my brother had a job in another state for a few years. However, he came back home and helped dad’s hawker business in the wet market. Even though we were staying together, we did not talk much. And my brother had a temper, so we were not close at all. 

My brother married, and he took my dad’s job, but the business gradually declined. Nevertheless, my brother often came home with fruits he bought from other hawkers. Sometimes there were papayas, sometimes lychees, sometimes durians…  We were happy to have them, but somehow I didn’t think my brother was nice. 

Later, when I realized love can be expressed through behaviors, I finally figured out my brother likes to buy food for the family; it is the way he shows love. 

Can adults understand this kind of abstract expression of love?

 
小时侯还沒上学的那时期，我每天会有一阵期待三哥放学回来。那是期待他回家后，他从校服的口袋掏出零食给我。有时是半包的蜜饯，有时是一小包脆饼，有时是糖果… 这都让我小孩心眼中很高兴，觉得哥对我真好。
小孩时期不会太长，那时的感性也不知藏在那了。
长大后，三哥去外地工作几年，不久回来帮父亲的菜市场生意，虽然住在一起，但我们都不擅表达，沉默寡言，而且三哥脾气暴躁，所以我们关系并不亲密。
三哥结婚，父亲去世后，继承父业。可是生意越做收入越不佳，然而三哥收档回家，不时都会买隔壁档的一些水果回家，有时木瓜，有时荔枝，有时榴连… 虽然我们吃得很高兴，可是不知为什么，我并沒觉得哥对家人真好。

后来，当那时我知道爱可以是由行为表现的，我才明白三哥喜欢买东西给家人吃，那是他的爱的表达。 

抽象的爱，成人看得懂吗？

A virtue

There is a culture in Malaysia and among Chinese in Asia: people will call an elder person either sister or brother, or aunt or uncle, depending on their relative ages. That is a manner or respect, even though they are not related. 

It is a virtue that most Chinese are proud of; something parents begin to teach their kids when they start learning to talk. For example, the parents would teach the kids to call their friend Brother/Sister XX or Uncle/Aunty XX when they meet.

If the younger knows the elder’s name, the younger would take initiative to call the elder Brother/Sister XX or Uncle/Aunt XX instead of hi or hello. 

And it is not very good manners to ask someone older what his/her name is at the first meeting. 

A lot of times, you would hear someone call someone uncle or aunty in public like in a store.   

In the USA, when two strangers first meet, they will tell each other their names or ask what your name is. And most, even when they know each other or are related, they just say hi or hello.

亞洲的華人及馬來西亞人，有一种文化，是對年紀大的長輩，即使不是親人，都會視其年齡相差階層來稱呼對方為姐或哥、姨或叔、婆或伯，以表示禮貌尊敬。

這是大多數華人引以為傲的美德。我相信那是從小會說話那天開始的家教，比如父母的朋友來拜訪或在街上碰到，父母都會教孩子稱呼聲其朋友為 XX姐／哥或XX姨／叔。

如果年少者知道年長者的名字，年少者會主動先打招呼叫聲年長者為 XX姐／哥或XX姨／叔。

據禮儀，初會面長者，就問其姓名，是有些不敬的。

很多時候，你會在公共場所如商店，某人稱呼某人為阿姨／叔。

在美國，兩位陌生人初見面，他們各告訴其姓名或問叫什麼名。而且大多數，彼此認識或是親人，都只說嗨。

Vegetarian Satay

A monastic from Taiwan, who is stationed at the Fo Guang Shan temple here, knows I am from Malaysia, and asked whether I know how to make satay. I said I had never made satay or vegetarian satay before. 

Oh, sounds like Malaysia’s satay is well known in the world, so I would give it a try. 

Here I made it. They look like real meat, don’t they? However, this was the first time I did it, so the taste was not the same as vegetarian satay in Penang, Malaysia. I need to edit the recipe and improve the taste to get as close as I can. 

一位駐在這兒佛光山寺的台灣法師，知道我來自馬來西亞，問我會不會做satay。我說我沒做過而且是要做素的satay。

原來馬來西亞的satay在國外這麼著名，我想試試做素satay。

想做就做了，看來很像肉，像嗎？不過，第一次做，味道不很像在檳城吃過的素satay。我須再調改食鐠改進其味道。到時再提供我的食鐠。

Overwhelming

In my life, I never met anyone who had been in prison. Then I went to a Buddhist group called Inside Dharma (http://insidedharma.net/About.html and same link to Shinzo Zen Meditation Center.)  I met a few of them who are ex-offenders. Last week, one of them shared with me and my husband, the first time he received a Christmas card (from Inside Dharma) after he had been in prison for several years.  He said it was overwhelming. 

My heart was so touched. What a huge impact a light little card made! 

Even when someone makes a mistake and is being punished, they still deserve peoples’ care and support to get through. Help them to grow and change. 

All human beings need to feel loved.  

 
在我的生活裡，我從未接觸過曾監獄者，至到我參與一個佛教組織名為Inside Dharma及同屬的Shinzo禪修中心，在那遇到幾位前犯罪者。上星期，我和丈夫與其中一位在閑談，有一小段分享。他說，在牢獄幾年，有一年第一次收到一封聖誕卡（來自Inside Dharma）。那是他很大的感觸。
我看到他真情的述說，我的心很感動。一張小小輕輕的卡，沖擊的份量卻那麼大！

當某人犯錯及受懲罰，他們仍然值得被關注和支持他們走過去。也能幫他們成長及改變。
每個人都需要得到愛。

價值觀

住在美國，遇到剛認識的華人，都離不開問我這些問題:  

你做什麼工作？

這麼多年沒工作，在家做什麼？

在家煮什麼給先生（洋人），吃什麼？

不同的人問我同樣的問題，我同樣回答給不同的人; 我答的很腐舊，他們聽得很新鮮。

有人問了，我就只好回答，目的是問問談談而已。

有一位聽我回答，我不用煮給先生，他一向以來自己烘煮雞肉，她的回應，讓我覺得她的思想很華人傳統:

“在家時間怎麼過。” “他結婚了，還得自己煮，他很虧本。” 

當現代的妻子必須有職業？娶老婆，就有如老婆是免費的煮飯鍋？

社會的價值觀有時候真的會影響個人所響往的生活。

Remarkable Good-bye

 Tree: Why do you want to say good-bye?  

 

树: 为什么要道别？

  

Leaf: Why not? Because I came, I have to leave. And leaving is also another cause that will start its own chain of effects. 

 

叶: 为何不。这就是我来的因，去是果，去也是另一个因。

 

Tree: I feel cold and lonely. 

  

 

树: 我感到孤单凄凉。

 

Leaf: This is it. I am just a passenger. Who is not alone? However, I choose to leave with a brilliant smile. 

   

叶: 本来就是，我只是一个过客，谁不孤单？不过，我选择漂亮含笑离去。

 

 

 

 

Maternity

 

We attended Steve’s cousin’s daughter’s wedding and reception. Most relatives attended, and the youngest one too, with his parents. 
Chinese-Malaysian friends, I’ll let you guess, how old is the youngest one? I think you wouldn’t guess right!
That was just eight days after he came into this world. When I saw that 8 day old baby and his mother, who just gave birth eight days earlier, coming together to attend their cousin’s wedding, my conceptualization was a little shocked. American women really have it so different? 
America law is 0 weeks of paid maternity leave, so based on their situation, they have to apply vacation time or unpaid leave, unless the company they work for gives paid maternity leave. 

我们参加Steve表姐的女儿结婚礼及晚宴，多数的亲戚都出席，甚至最小的一位也随父母一起去。
马来西亚的华人，你猜最小的这位是几岁？你绝对猜不到！
那天是他来到这世上笫八天。当我看到这只有8天大的婴儿，以及才产儿后八天的妈妈，一起出席她（婴儿妈妈）的表姐／妹婚礼及晚宴，我脑内储存的观念被冲击了一下。
美国产妇真的这么不一样？美国法律是0天有薪产假，所以看个人的状况请假或无薪假。她们不须在家坐月养身吃补，婴儿还未满月就带出門。
 

 

Malaysian law is 60 days of paid maternity leave. Most Chinese women would stay home a full month to recover. The babies are also not allowed to go outside for the first month. The celebrations are done a full month after babies are born. 

Last trip back to Penang, I visited a friend and her baby, who was born just one week before. They both were taken care of by a maternity center.  

 

马来西亚法律是60天有薪产假。华人产妇须在家坐月养身吃补，婴儿满月后才庆祝。

上次回槟城，探望生产后约一周的朋友及婴儿在坐月中心被细心照护。

 

Outer & Inner

What can I see when I look outside?

The outer world seen by my eyes is just very limited.

What can I explore when I look inside?

The inner potential that is hidden in my subconscious is immeasurable.

从内向外看，我能见到什么？

眼睛所能见到的外在世界，仅仅的那么有限。

往外向内看，我能探寻到什么？

心底隐藏住的内在潜能，深深的那么无际。

My car - Fei-Long

After I moved to the USA, most of the time I was at home. Sometimes, I did nothing and I felt a little stagnant. When people ask me - what am I doing at home, gradually I don’t know how to answer.
In the past, I had an excuse; I need to adjust to the environment. But now, I have been here almost four and a half years. I think this excuse couldn’t be used anymore.
Then, what excuse next?
Yes. There is a phrase - no car is similar to no legs. In the past, I didn’t want to have a car because I don’t like driving. However, it is really difficult not to have a car here. So, I pestered Steve for a car (used car is also okay for me) for few months.
Finally… my car is in our garage. It is a new Honda Civic Sedan LX Auto.
Wow! I never dreamed I would have a Honda Civic in Malaysia (I just day dreamed for a sports car)! Honda Civic in Malaysia, the price is over RM115,000. How can I afford it? In Penang, my car is a used Proton (Malaysian car manufacturer.)
The price (including tax) for a Honda Civic Sedan LX Auto is about US$20,000 in the USA. I am staying in the USA, so don’t use exchange rate. However, if using the exchange rate, the price equates to RM66,000.
The price is so much different.

來了美國，大多數時間都是在家，有時無所事事，覺得有點頹廢。當每次有人問我在家做什麼，我漸漸不知要怎麼回答。
之前我有要適應環境的藉口，但現在已住了近四年半，我想這藉口已不中用了。
那又會是什麼理由呢？
有。這裡沒車就好像沒腳。我不是很喜歡駕車，所以之前並不很想要有車，但是這裡沒車真的不行。最近積極吵Steve買車（致使二手車也好）給我。
終於…我的車到了家的車庫。嶄新的Honda Civic Sedan LX Auto。
嘩！在馬來西亞時做夢都沒想到會有Honda Civic囉（發白日夢要跑車就有啦）！馬來西亞的Honda Civic價錢RM115,000以上，我那捨得或買得起？我在檳城的車是Proton二手車。
美國的Honda Civic Sedan LX Auto價錢加稅後大約是US$20,000，不要把美元換馬幣，因為是生活在美國。即使換率成RM66,000)，價錢也是相差很大。


Alright, now I need to find a non-profit organization. One of my wishes: do volunteer work.
Oh yeah, I named my car, Dragon (Fei-Long). And had a newborn ceremony for Dragon with Metta sutra.


好啦，我必須去找一些資源及非盈利團體，實現我的另一個願望: 義務工作。
對了，先給我的車一個名字，就名為飛龍。要給飛龍的新生命舉行慶賀儀式，吉祥經。

May Dragon accompany us on the road smoothly and safely.

Appreciate Dragon.

願飛龍陪伴路上順利吉祥平安。

感恩飛龍。