The essential requirements

我之前當輔導義工時，曾拹助朋友到中學校的學生輔導團當課程催化員，我很喜歡與青少年互動，我覺得朋友並不須要有年齡的界線，我給他們我的聯絡電話，有幾位主動與我聯系，都稱呼我心忆姐，我也樂得當姐姐，因為我在家庭中排行最小，總覺得自己地位小要叫人哥姐，當我被人叫姐時，卻使我有些威大感。有一位小我幾岁的男性朋友，每次他都稱呼我老大，我曾問他為什麼稱我老大，他说我有點像一部西方電影的一位黑社會老大，那老大的氣度讓他尊敬，我雖不大知道我是有那些如他印象的老大般，但被叫老大，更使我有些豪邁感，哈哈…

話說那幾位中學生有聯系我的，四年後，都各进進入大學…我來美國後有兩位改用email繼續聯系。上个月就這麼巧的，分别收到他們email告訴我（他們各自）所遇到的感情事件…當然我很樂意回覆。現我大略取一部份我回覆的内容與大家分享:

1. 大多是我談自已的經歷（輔導技巧之一: 自我表露），‘…那時三十多歲了，我覺得很孤單這麼多年都没有男友，我參加一個團體治療時，我有機會把我的疑惑講出來 –為何我還没有伴侣？經與那洋籍（Christopher Moon）老師對話後，他告訴我說，“你知道嗎，那個人擁有你是多麼幸运的人” 老師又說，“寫出你要的*伴侣具備的條件，如年齡，等等，把這紙收在身上，遇到男士時拿出對一對，他是否擁有這些。我這樣子做找了8年，我覺得你的時間比我短，不到3年就可找到，要用多長時間才能擁有，那得靠你自己。” 我之後真的很有自信，也有寫出一小張紙。每天我也觀想， “上天一定會眷顧着我，一定會讓我擁有最美好的伴侣。”… 真的三年多後，我遇到他（現在已是我的丈夫）。… 我的分享是要你知道，你現在的過程只是讓你更成長學習，你要對自己有信心，將來不怕没人愛。要懂得愛自己才能愛别人，不然兩人在一起也不一定會幸福。’

2. 大多是教導式，‘… 是的，有些人較含蓄不善於與長輩溝通，可能你媽媽不體諒你男友這點。哈哈，我想你媽吃醋你站在男友那邊！可不要對你媽說，她吃醋呵，不然她又氣你了！就是這樣，誰要聽人說他／她不好的話，若你多對你媽說好話，可能又不一樣了，讓她覺得你有了男友，反而更懂事，快樂，愛家人，那她一定放心你交的男友。同樣的，與男友多說一些你與媽及家人和樂有趣的事，讓他感受到可以很輕鬆接近你家人，而不是要你男友怎樣怎樣做。總之，從你的展現對雙方面的愛，所謂愛屋及烏，他們都會因為你而自己改觀。’

*我所寫的 ‘伴侣具備的條件’ 中，忘了寫國籍種族！意想不到是讓我找到遠在半球的伴侣！奉勸單身者若相信此做法，那要寫得詳細點哦…嘻嘻！

While I was a counseling volunteer, I used to be a workshop helper for a group of students counseling in a Chinese high school. I like to have friends and did not consider their age, so I like teenagers too. I gave them my contact information and some of them keep in contact with me. They call me ‘姐’ (elder sister - Chinese has different words for elder and younger sisters) and I love to be an elder sister. Since I was the youngest in my family and must call my elders, brother or sister, I always felt I was lowest. So when I heard them call me姐, I felt ‘bigger’. I have a friend who is younger than me, and he always calls me ‘老大’ (big boss). I asked him why he calls me 老大, and he said my character was a little similar to the role of a “big boss” in a western gangster in a movie; that he respected that kind of big boss. I am not sure why his impression of me was a “big boss”, but when I heard he called me老大 I felt a little bit heroic. Haha…

Let’s talk about the teenagers who keep in contact with me. After four years, they are in colleges…. There are two who still contact me through email since I moved to the USA. I was surprised when each wrote to me about love relationship issues last month…. Of course, it was my pleasure to reply to them. Now, I think to share part of my reply with you:

1. I mostly talked about my experiences (self-disclosure, a counseling skill), ‘…that time I was in my 30s, still didn’t have a boyfriend, and I felt lonely. I attended a group-psychotherapy, and I had a chance to talk about my doubt – why don’t I have a soul mate yet? During a conversation with the teacher, Christopher Moon, who is a westerner, he told me, “Do you know, the one who has you is the luckiest.” He said, “Write a list of the essential requirements* for your soul mate, like age, specific characteristics, etc. Keep it in your wallet and when you meet a man, take it out and see if he matches or not. I personally did this and I found mine after eight years, I think you will take less time; you will find him in three years. How long you need depends on you.” I was very confident and I wrote the list. Everyday I thought “the Universe will guide me and I am sure I will meet the best soul mate.” … After three years, I really met him (my husband now)…. My sharing is to let you know that your issues were helping you to learn more. You need to learn to love yourself first and build your self-confidence. If not, you might not work well for a happy relationship.’

2. Mostly provided guidance, ‘…Yes, maybe he doesn’t know how to communicate with your parents. Maybe your mom didn’t understand this about your boyfriend. Haha, I think your mom might be resentful you would side with boyfriend! But don’t say your mom is resentful; if you do, she will get defensive and get mad at you again! After all, who wants to listen to people criticizing them? If you say more good words to your mom then it might be different. She might think you are more understanding, happy, and love your family more since you have a boyfriend. The same goes for your boyfriend. Do not tell him he needs to do this or that, but talk more with him about your family and happiness, so he might feel it is easy to approach your family. In short, expressing your love to both parties, they will change their minds because of you.’

*In the list of essential requirements I wrote, I forgot about nationality and race! I unexpectedly met my soul mate, who is from the other side of the earth! If you are single and want to try doing a list, I advise you to write as specifically as possible…whoo-hoo!