Friday, June 19, 2009

Family communication models

A conversation between a mother, who has three kids in college, and me who doesn’t have any kids:
“SY has three kids also, but her kids are so great. My kids are not that great compared with them… They don’t want to tell me their business at all.”, she said.
“If you want your kids to talk about their business with you, you should be like a friend and share your business with them.”, I said.
“My husband always doesn’t want me to tell adult’s business to the kids. He was never in contact much with his parents & family, unless there was a very serious medical issue with his mother. Then only his brother called to tell him. My father was also the same. I am closer with my mother and we can chat.”
“Normally we would transfer our communication model from our primary family to our new family, and continue to have those old models. Your kids might also transfer those models to their new family in the future. So, if you don’t want it to continue, you should start to change yourself. The family is the biggest influence on kids while they are growing. Like some growing up in a family with abuse might not be aware, and abuse their new family members in the future too.”
I grew up in a family with a serious type father and a complaining type mother. My late-father never had fun with us, and my late-mother complained about her husband (my father). We are their seven kids who grew up in this family. Of course, not all of us transfer the old models to new families. However, I realized my third brother is obviously the same as my late-father. Maybe he worked and was closest with father, so he was more influenced…
Are that many people not aware they are continuing the communication models from their primary families?


sue said...

You are very correct in assuming that families continue values and don't even realize that they shouldn't. Abusive parents do produce abusive children. Not because the children are bad but because they feel that is the norm. If you are not in close contact with a different way you do not realize that things should be different.

eHeart said...

Sue, thanks for your thought sharing.